Not Too Chicken to Write a Cheesy Post

Before I delve into the latest fast-food novelty item, let me apologize for first showing up with the fullest of intentions of writing on a regular basis and then proceeding to disappear again. Suffice to say that some things happened that resulted in a significant loss of interesting places to eat. Flash forward a couple months. It's not the classiest of locales, but it's unusual, and I'm all about living life to its fullest and trying all the weird these days.

Remember a couple years ago, when I first started pretending people cared about what food I ate? Yeah, you know. That time I went to T-Bell for free breakfast. This venture wasn't free, but here we are. It's May 12. One day after the fine Mexican-inspired establishment we know as Taco Bell (and my parents sometimes confusedly refer to as "Del Taco") debuted its latest and greatest menu item.

Yes, my friends.

Naked. Chicken. Chips.

Now, are they chicken nuggets? Or are they chips? At which point does a chicken nugget cease to become a piece of fried chicken and transform into a piece of fried breading known as a chip? These were dire questions that begged answers. The Meatetarian had to know what exactly a Naked Chicken Chip was and what sort of mysticism was involved in its creation.

So to Taco Bell I drug my neighbor tonight. Last night I had a mandate so I missed the opening night of these suckers; and does it really count as dragging when your neighbor's favorite food is a Baja Blast?

There are several options for the Naked Chicken Chips. There's a six-pack. A 12-pack. And a Naked Chicken Chips Box that comes with a six-pack of chixchips (am I the first one to shorthand that? I should probably copyright this), a hard or soft taco AND some sort of burrito PLUS a medium drink. Being economical, and also knowing that I can easily turn that into three meals because despite my love of fast food I don't actually pig out on it, it was a no-brainer to get the box.

On first glance, it's obvious these are way too thick to be considered chips. Like basically they're glorified nacho-shaped chicken nuggets. The verdict on whether these are something you should order or not then comes from how good they taste ... not so much on how novel a food item they are. Hashtag not-a-cronut.

The breading is pleasantly crispy. Nice and salty, as one would expect from a fast-food establishment where the main ingredients are sodium and more sodium. The meat inside is soft; not too chewy; kind of bland if we're really being honest, but the excess of sodium on the outside makes up for it.

What I'm saying is ... they're nothing special.

However. There is a sauce. A cheese sauce. A nacho cheese sauce.

And that dresses these naked little snacks up right nicely. The sauce is thick and probably a million calories, so if you're into counting those maybe you should stop. It's got a peppery bite to it that quite makes up for how unremarkable the actual chips are.

Dunking those triangle chixchips into this hot, melty sauce is akin to sitting at a sporting event in the nosebleed seats with a cold beer and a plate full of those awful cheap round actual nachos drenched in spicy hot melty nasty-but-yet-so-damn-addicting-yellow-cheese-is-it-even-really-a-sauce-or-is-it-a-drug-called-queso goodness that cost you approximately $8.65 and suddenly your team scores and you leap out of your seat and your nachos go flying (but your beer doesn't; priorities). Are these Taco Bell delights worth $8.65? Just like those actual nachos ... absolutely not. But are they a not terrible snack for a couple bucks?

Sho thang, chicken wing.

Bonus: We also tried the new "spiked" lemonade Baja Blast that allegedly contains prickly pear cactus juice. It tastes like liquified Sour Patch Kids. Do not recommend getting a large.

Cinco de Taco

Like every fast food junkie who's hit up T-Bell at 3 a.m. in an effort to fulfill the desires of post-drinking food needs, when I heard the chain was offering free biscuit tacos on Cinco de Mayo, I jumped at the chance. I forced myself to wake up early (because the nearest Taco Bell is in the exact opposite direction of my office), make myself presentable and join the throngs of 20-somethings arriving promptly 7 a.m. to see whether or not we'll deign to be so-called "breakfast defectors."

By "throngs of 20-somethings" I mean me and the one other car that showed up at 7:02 a.m. The throngs are the ones who rolled out of bed at 10, assumed that only hungover college students cared about free food and marched en masse to Taco Bell only to realize that they  had been duped by those of us who have jobs, must be awake before 7 a.m. and hang on to every reminder of our inebriated college past by taking advantage of free food whenever offered. So, by the time the throngs arrived, there were no free biscuit tacos left for them, and now they're doing what kids do these days and posting mean things on social media.

Meanwhile, as these young things were sleeping, innocently assuming there would be free food awaiting them in three hours, I moseyed into my office, bacon-egg-cheese biscuit taco and bacon-egg-cheese A.M. Crunchwrap in hand, excited to celebrate this mostly American holiday with some very American things: fast food, free fast food, bacon and biscuits.

The A.M. Crunchwrap: bacon, egg, shredded cheddar and a hashbrown patty,
all wrapped up in a flour tortilla.

I began with the A.M. Crunchwrap. As my bestie and favorite fellow 3 a.m. T-Bell frequenter Gena knows well, I am a mad fan of the Crunchwrap. The regular Crunchwrap Supreme is a layer of beef, sour cream, tomatoes, lettuce and various other taco toppings stacked on a flattened hardshell taco, all wrapped in a huge soft tortilla. Dip that into some sauce and you've got one of my top five fast food items! Now, there are no vegetables in the A.M. Crunchwrap. It is carb and protein loading to the max. You've got the flour tortilla still, but this time it is wrapped around a hashbrown patty and topped with chopped bacon, scrambled egg and the signature Taco Bell shredded cheddar cheese, plus a kick courtesy of some sort of jalapeno cream sauce.

It tasted good. Like, I would go back and get it again after approximately three days of jogging around the neighborhood twice a day good. I liked that the bacon was crumbled, because you didn't have to worry about only taking one bite and suddenly the whole strip is coming out ... and then you're left with naught but egg and cheese. The scrambled eggs weren't bad. They didn't necessarily taste like something a Michelin star chef would put out there, but they weren't rubbery or hard and were sufficiently salty. Alas, the sauce (and for some reason this always happens with Crunchwraps) ended up all in one corner, so it wasn't until I was two-thirds done with my breakfast that I even realized there was sauce in it. And that was a shame, because the sauce gave a freshness and a zing to the salty flavors of the protein and carbohydrate ingredients! So, note to self, next time I'm ordering an extra tub of that on the side for dipping.

The issue I have with the A.M. Crunchwrap is the "crunch" part. In the regular menu Crunchwrap, that tortilla shell crunches quite satisfactorily when you chomp down, plus the iceberg lettuce and the tomatoes give a little bit more texture. The morning variety, sadly, does not provide that same experience. Though putting a hashbrown inside is a good idea in theory, it's easy to execute poorly. There was no satisfactory crunch from a crispy fried shredded potato patty. It was as if someone hadn't let the oil get hot enough in the fryer before dropping them in, so they absorbed too much oil and came out greasy. Fix that issue, add some more of that sauce, and this ain't a bad way to start the morning if you don't want to spend a fortune at Panera for a "healthy" carbohydrate-laden breakfast or are tired of your regular Chick-fil-A and McDonald's fare.

Onto the real reason why I showed up at Taco Bell at 7:02 a.m.: the biscuit taco. Yes, I got the bacon here again (there are sausage varieties of both), but if you've been following me, you undoubtedly read my post about bratwurst and thus my diatribe against breakfast sausage. So, bacon it is!

I knew it was going to be tough to convert me, a Southern born-and-bred woman who grew up on soul food and fresh-made biscuits cut with a jar top, to something like this. But I tried to go in with an open mind, and hey, it was free. Plus, it looked cute! Great packaging -- a little cardboard taco shell holder that claims "The world is your biscuit. Devour it." I unwrap this delicacy and think, "Heck yes, I will devour you."

Then I took a bite.

Bad news, y'all. Despite its promising exterior, the biscuit taco was lackluster.

The bacon, egg and cheese biscuit taco, wrapped in its signature packaging,
along with the day's receipt for "a Cinco de Mayo miracle."

The biscuit part of the taco is interesting. The inside is crumbly and gives you the mouthfeel of a biscuit, but the outside is almost rubbery. I mean, I understand that food science was involved here and Taco Bell had to figure out a way to get a soft, buttery, typically not flexible biscuit to bend into a taco shell shape, but it's by no means my favorite thing on the Taco Bell menu.

The construction of the biscuit taco was pretty genius: like a regular taco that has ground beef topped with stuff and cheese on top, the biscuit taco featured ground meat (bacon, in my case), the same scrambled eggs as on the A.M. Crunchwrap and again, that shredded cheddar.

Y'all I'mma be cleaning bacon off my desk for a while. The half-inch thick generous helping of crumbled bacon did not want to stay in the biscuit taco. It was messy. Not something I would recommend eating in the car while driving.

Do I appreciate Taco Bell feeding me for mostly free (I bought the Crunchwrap)? Yes.

Would I call myself a "breakfast defector" after this morning? Nah.

But if I ever do need to break out of my traditional spicy chicken biscuit boredom (not sure that sort of boredom exists; I really like spicy chicken biscuits) and have a few spare minutes to wait for a perfectly fried hashbrown patty to stuff in an A.M. Crunchwrap, I'd go back and grab one. They do say variety of the spice of life, especially when that variety comes with a side of spicy jalapeno sauce.