And it's quite possibly an entire foot tall.
The Carnivorgasm, as should surprise exactly zero people who follow hamburger lore and famous burgers around the country, is a menu staple at Atlanta's own The Vortex Bar and Grill, located in the heart of Little Five Points. There's a Midtown location too, but let's be honest, who the Hell wants to fight for parking in Midtown?
This venture was my first into the Vortex, despite living here for nearly two years. I know, right? What have I been doing with my life? However, I first heard of the Vortex many years ago, watching one of those extreme food shows on Travel Channel. Vortex is best known, aside from being a cool bar with a menu that gives exactly zero effs (it says so) about douchebaggery and foodies and kale and one-star Yelp reviews, for its Coronary Bypass Burgers. Capitalized and copyrighted. These monstrous hunks of meat range from just a weensy bypass to a triple bypass, and include ingredients like multiple burger patties, fried eggs, bacon and even grilled cheese sandwiches. Holy mothertrucker.
So, I'd heard about these burgers before. In all honesty I was surprised and excited to see other burgers existed on the menu (because, as much as I love grilled cheese, fried eggs, bacon and burgers, that's a little too much for one sitting). There are lots of burger choices, making this Beef Babe have a hard-ass time deciding which one to order. Like, the Vortex bills itself as a bar -- you must be 21 to go in and order a burger, much less a choice beverage -- but it's no wonder its reputation hangs a lot on the food menu. Since everyone who comes to this place seems to order and write about a Bypass, and also since I am an investigative reporter, I bypassed the Bypass and headed straight for the "OMFG Burger" listings.
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| Meet the Carnivorgasm, my hunka-hunka-burnin' lurve. |
I was jumping up and down like a small child on Christmas when I discovered that one of those burgers is called the Carnivorgasm. I imagined the headline of this post the moment that word crossed my eyes. This burger is rightly named: it is two inch-thick sirloin patties, cooked medium.
Hold up. Let me segue (pronounced "seg-way," like those dinky little things tourists ride on, but cooler) for a moment into a meat lesson. Given that this is Beef Month, I just need to tell y'all that if you get a hamburger cooked anything more done than medium you might as well put a piece of charcoal in your mouth instead, because you're killing the flavor and any potential foodborne pathogens are already dead at the medium temperature. of 160 degrees.
Back to the king of sex burgers.
On top of these medium-temperature patties are slices of turkey, slices of ham, thick pieces of bacon and a generous dollop of pulled pork. This is how the conversation I had with my burger went:
Burger: "Oh, hello, Dallas! So nice to see you could finally make it a mile from your house to come devour me."
Dallas: "Yes. I will devour you. Give it to me. Give. It. To. Me. OMFG -- your flavors are a foodgasm -- oh. Duh. That's how you got your name. And your menu category."
The Carnivorgasm also features whiskey pimento cheese and cheddar.
I managed to make this thing into three meals, because two inches of burger ain't gonna fit in my mouth, much less topped with all the other joyful meatiness between the buns. So one patty became lunch the next day, and then I only ended up managing to devour half the remaining burger in one sitting. That, my friends, is a whole lotta meat.
Aside from the sirloin patties, which were well-seasoned and cooked perfectly, not to mention ginormous, my favorite part of this burger was the pulled pork on top. It was a nice, vinegar-laden bite with a little sweet from the sauce. I have no idea if the barbecue is homemade. Truth, I do not care, because it tasted really damn good. The ham and bacon were nice touches. Cheddar cheese, eh, because I am a weird human and don't really like cheddar. Pimento cheese, excellent. There's just something about pimento cheese and pulled pork together that make this a classy Southern burger, except for the name. Kind of like this Meatetarian, the Carnivorgasm is a lady in the street but a freak in the -- sorry Mom. I'll stop there and move on.
I think the only part that I could have gone without on the Carnivorgasm is the turkey. Not that I have anything against turkey (it's my favorite deli sandwich meat), but I don't think it added anything to the burger. Where everything else was thick, richly flavored and gave you a sensation of "I want all of this in the same bite," I was neither here nor there with the turkey addition. Now, if the intent of having turkey was to have all three of America's favorite livestock represented on the plate (swine, beef, poultry) ... I would not be opposed to swapping out the turkey for a fried egg next time.
And yes, there will be a next time. I mean, it was a hard choice between the Carnivorgasm and the Meat Packer Melt (fact: I am a sucker for a good patty melt on rye). And don't even get me started on the other things on this menu I feel compelled to try ... like the shots. We'll just say buttery nipple is a G-rated shot name compared to the others.
Boozy Bonus!
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| Photo from Red Brick website |
Other booze option: the "house" brew, Laughing Skull American amber ale. Not a shot, but you can get it as a beer cocktail with a variety of other things. Check those out on the Booze Menu. Laughing Skull comes from the fabulous Red Brick Brewing Company, Georgia's oldest craft brewery, and does not fail to disappoint with this light and flavorful beer. I call it the "house" brew on account of its logo being oddly similar to that of Vortex. You can also buy this beer at grocery and liquor stores, but if you get the chance to sip it alongside a burger and tots at the restaurant, go for it.
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